27 June 2020

Merry Christmas, Allstate Douchebags...

So the Bowl Championship Series, the shadowy entity that inscribes algorithms on the entrails of live goats to determine the will of the gods as to whom they wish to see play for the NCAA football championship, has made its selection. Florida will challenge Ohio State. Nice. Michigan will play USC in the Rose Bowl. Fun.

Most interesting of all: LSU will play Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl. LSU fans, naturally, are thrilled. It's going to be a good matchup, close to home. The Dome will be packed with LSU fans.

That sound you heard was a bunch of Allstate management executives mumbling something like "Yuh-oh..." It was followed by a clatter of leather laceups as said management scramble not to represent the company at the game.

Here's why: LSU fans tend overwhelmingly to be from, well, Louisiana. Many of them from South Louisiana

The exact region, that is, where the Sugar Bowl's sponsor, Allstate Insurance, has been doing its diligent best to rip off its policy holders. From attempting to cancel basic hurricane insurance for 30,000 households to putting the corporate hammerlock on people who don't also carry Allstate car insurance, the company has been behaving like a pack of soulless, grasping, tin-pot bullies. The kind of smiling, suit and tie greedheads that will burn slow if there's any justice in the afterlife.

But really, I don't care about the afterlife. I pity the poor fool, the chump, the management asskiss, who will have the honor of representing Allstate at the game.

It will be a beautiful opportunity to rain fire on those assholes before a national audience. With LSU's tradition of



sober merriment

at football games, I'm sure Allstate has plenty of room to hope the boos will be gentle, polite and short.

Merry Christmas you corporate insurance douchebags. Better spend the holidays praying you're not the suit who draws the short straw...

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